Talk:Diary of an Apprentice/@comment-4642580-20140130032206
Here's my constructive criticism: The interrogation log is too literary. It is inhuman and lacking character. Too grammatical, perhaps, especially when direct speech generally lacks grammar and has no sentences. You have written it in prose rather than a transcript which is unrealistic for an interrogation log as they would want to note pauses, emphases, hesitations, false-starts, repairs, repetitions, voiced-pauses, idiolects, - the works. I quite enjoy the paralinguistic features, such as the twiddling thumbs, but I feel you could have included more to make it feel more alive, and I suggest merely noting what was done rather than impressions the audience felt (the whole 'clearly thinking about what the inquisitor has said' notion is a bit vague and offers something abstract but nothing concrete, i.e. 'the Detainee's eyes become unfocused and stare towards the ground during the pause' might be more effective). If you're not sure on how to write transcripts I can provide you with a useful key and help you put 'pen to paper' so to speak. As for the content of the interrogation, well, it borders on the dramatic but falls down in some places. There's a temptation to overuse the word irony, and in the strictest sense it loosely fits the context of what the detainee said but I feel the comment of irony was sketchy and could be left out altogether. Building on temptations, there's a large lure in lore with World of Warcraft. With our characters the personal often mixes with the wider lore. This isn't a good practice really. I dislike the quasi-dramatic irony with Arugal and the destruction of Dalaran. It's too easy to get bogged down in Warcraft III. We all know that lore, character stories and related works should build upon that character rather than remind us of wiki pages. I don't mean to sound negative but many many role players do it. It's the same paradigm that makes every goblin a good engineer: I'm a role player, and I don't want to read the same backstory and 'correct' answers to questions of lore over and over again. I digress. I felt that the diaries were interesting, although the character himself does not have a register which I would assign to a mage. I would assert a use of more technical vocabulary and a high register. That is to say he would be very educated. Although there were spots of sophisticated lexis, it isn't carried through all the way. I have not researched much into magic in World of Warcraft or Kirin Tor society, but it's immense fun to devise a certain sociolect for mages. It's easier for me as there's a bounty of religious and biblical words which I can adapt to my paladin character. However, someone as intelligent as yourself will be able to do it too I'm sure. As for the rest of his language, there's an almost monotonous feel to his writing. Try using syntax and grammar to demonstrate and reflect his emotions at the time of writing. Perhaps more short, sharp and snappy sentences for when he's gaoled, compared to long and complex sentences when he's writing in Dalaran. You use interrogative and exclamatory sentences, but perhaps not enough? Don't be afraid to use them. The diaries' content, well, hmmm. Again, it's focused on the wider-picture which isn't too appropriate for the purposes of a diary. Remember that, with a diary being the context, it's not supposed to be viewed by anyone else. It's not a history book it's personal. Maybe he witnessed these events, but I feel that it's - once more for emphasis - too bogged down in Warcraft III. It left me wondering, what about the minutiae? What about the character? I appreciate that you might have made this page with an event in mind but, even so, I can read lore on WoWpedia. What do I want this to offer me? Information on the character, and what makes the character him. All I gleaned from this was that he was a student of Ur who came from Gilneas and tried to harness the power of the worgen. I have no idea as to his personality, why he made certain decisions other than 'Arugal did it!', his relationships, his ambitions, his loves, his hates, the list goes on. Thanks for reading! Take on board what you wish, just here to help.